I AM NOT...

I am not your friend.

I am not your age mate.

I am not your family member.

I am not your church member.

I am not your girlfriend/boyfriend.

I am not feminine/masculine.

I am not childish.

I am not on your level.

I am not your helper.

I am not your enemy.

I am not a fake person.

I am not a deceitful person.

I am not a mean person.

I am not a tactless person.

I am not a nice person.

Why do we have to state a fact that we say is obvious?

Why do we waste our time talking about what we are not when we can invest our quality time in talking about what and who we truly are? (not in a proud manner)

What do we expect these statements to do?

Why do we believe that this “I am not” statement is necessary for our lives?

Why don’t we like to talk about ourselves and others in a positive light?

This “I am not” culture has affected some people to the extent that, in cases where they are to describe themselves, they will tell you one thousand (1,000) things they are not, but cannot tell you two (2) things they are or things they stand for. A friend of mine, when she goes to the market or during a business meeting, if the trader or business associate keeps repeating sentences like: “I am not a cheat, you can trust me”, “I don’t lie, and I don’t deceive people”; it gives her a feeling that something is fishy. To her, she is there to do business because she has a level of trust in the business associate or trader, and when that person deviates from the goods or services she is trying to acquire and keeps insisting or talking about his/her reputation, trust, inability to cheat or tell lie, then something is wrong. 

She believes, especially when it comes to a person’s character, that you don’t have to tell her how your character is; through interactions with you, your body language, actions, inactions, gesture, verbal and non-verbal communication, (among other things) she will find out about the person’s character, without having to be told. The Yoruba saying, “Efi niwa” meaning one’s character is like smoke (no matter how much you try to cover smoke, it will still come out) is the best definition of what a person’s character is. So, no matter how many times you say you are this or that or pretend to be what you are not; a person’s true character will eventually come out.

Using two sentences as an example, which are: “I like noodles”, and “I hate pasta”; the first sentence tells us what you like, while the second sentence tells us what you don’t like. In some exceptional cases, stating what you are not or what you don’t like is allowed (although, how you state your dislike is important because others love what you dislike, so you have to be considerate of these people). Examples of such exceptional cases include things that have to do with your health (like having an allergy, or inability to eat certain food due to your health status), in a case where you do not want to inconvenience another person, or in an interview where you are asked what you don’t like, amongst others. Apart from exceptional cases, we don’t need to know what you are not, what you don’t like or what you detest.

Sometimes I wonder, why do we say these “I am not” statements?

* Do we have doubts about who we say we are; and decide to make up for that, by stating, who we are not?

* Are we saying it to annoy or impress others?

* Do we use it as an avenue to remind ourselves of what we lack, but wish we had?

* Are we trying to reassure ourselves of something?

* Do we use it to seek a sort of validation from our listeners?

* Are we trying to insult the people who represent those things, or who like those things?

* Do we want to use it as an avenue to hurt a group of people or a specific person?

* Are we deluding ourselves with these statements?

* Do we say these things to remind others about their lives or painful past?

* Or are we just a bunch of mannerless, insensitive and unintelligent hoodlums, who talk without thinking about what those words mean to us, or what those words mean and could do to others?

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parenting-wisely.com